Let me Google that for you
Who will review the reviews?
Last week, in an elegant display of statistical and scientific rigour, Mark Butler (Minister for Health) lauded the success of the 58 new urgent care clinics across Australia by pointing to the clinics’ Google reviews.
‘I have literally page after page of positive Google reviews,’ the Health Minister said, before reading out a grand total of two, in a move reminiscent of Nathan Fielder’s ‘Out on the town having the time of my life with a bunch of friends. They’re all just out of frame, laughing too.’
If only I had known, back when I used to spend hours collating data for the surgical quarterly M&Ms as a resident, that I could have been using Google reviews the whole time…
But in all seriousness, the idea of using Google reviews as any sort of measure of success is, needless to say, a flawed one.
I remember going to an Indian restaurant in London with a group of friends, sucked in by the charm of the grinning front of house who gradually became more insistent that, to get 10% off our meal, we had to give them a 5-star Google rating. This became less of a request and more of a demand, as our bill was withheld until he scrutinised each of our newly drafted reviews. Luckily, he didn’t notice the acrostic poem in my friend’s: ‘Hungry for dinner again here soon! Everything on the menu is amazing. Lamb tandoori especially. Prices very reasonable.’’
And who could forget Angus Taylor MP (then Minister for Energy) in 2019 commenting on his own Facebook post, having forgotten to switch to another account to congratulate himself on some announcement, ‘Fantastic. Great Move. Well done Angus.’
And if citing online reviews is your main tool of audit, you had better be prepared to cop all the negative reviews that also come in spades.
In this week’s column, let’s take a look at some one-star reviews for the beloved national institutions that we hold up as bastions of modern medicine: our public hospitals.
“The hospital is hit [and] miss like all of NSW Health. The nurses have mental health issues so depending on which nurse you get, either you will receive good care or be subjected to abuse.”
Royal Prince Alfred Hospital, NSW
“We encountered the rudest ED doctor with zero people skills (weird Irish name) who stood there and told my crying partner: “I can appreciate the pain you are in”.”
Royal Melbourne Hospital
“Dirty unethical staff. Receptionist was busy playing games on the computer and had the volume up way to loud with it… why?”
The Alfred, Melbourne
“Me: I’m gon kms
Doctor: ok can you spell “WORLD”
Me: W, O, R, L, D
Doctor: Youre fine”
Ballarat Base Hospital
“Not only did this hospital eject me, as i used the “F” word now with bruises and say I discharged myself THEY DO NOT HEP PATIENTS. They are a business. They are a trained ground. This is a hospital for trying. Unless you are flown in this is a pace to die.”
The Alfred, Melbourne
“I had the most disgusting experience at the Australia post outlet at the Alfred hospital in Melbourne on Tuesday. I was accused of using used stamps on my 2 letters.”
The Alfred, Melbourne (PS. I didn’t even know this was possible, but thanks for the tip I guess)
“The walls are a lovely piss yellow with the smell to match”
Royal Melbourne Hospital
“I was sent here for wanting to commit and omg I think I’m cured cause if hell is this or worse I wanna stay alive for as long as possible. Staff are nice tho.”
Royal Melbourne Hospital
Walking over from Petermac daily through the level 2 link bridge is like going from heaven to hell. Those doors open and I need a shower.
Royal Melbourne Hospital
“While typing this the mouse has traversed into a few of the rooms, into the dining area, in front of a nurse who didn’t even seem phased and is now sitting under the vending machine that no longer works”
Royal Melbourne Hospital
“I was born here and i didn’t enjoy the experience.”
Liverpool Hospital
I told you so.